Saturday, January 03, 2004
We're in this together - NIN

I've become impossible
holding on to when
when everything seemed to matter more
the two of us
all used and beaten up
watching fate as it flow down the path we
have chose
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you
awake to the sound as they peel apart the skin
they pick and they pull
trying to get their fingers in
well they've got to kill what we've found
well they've got to hate what we fear
well they've got to make it go away
well they've got to make it disappear
the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
if the world should break in two
until the very end of me
until the very end of you
all that we were is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone we have to hold on
when all our hope is gone we have to hold on
all that we were is gone but we can hold on
you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you're the queen and I'm the king
nothing else means anything


Posted at 11:26 pm by numb
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make me understand why i have to hate you

I haven't been here in a while... and I finally remembered my password and everything, so I decided to sign on, and update. Things have been really fucked up. I went to Bridgett's monday night, and got everything I wanted. I got Dan... for 3 whole nights. Maybe 4, I don't know. and on New Years, I slept with him. I mean, I "slept" next to him every other night except last nite... altho I think we stayed up talking and such most the time... but.. I slept with him, 1/2ass anyway. It had been so long though, since I'd had sex, that it hurt so bad I was crying. I guess that's what I get, eh? It was my body trying to tell me he wasn't the proper mate. Which he kinda told me too, so I guess that doesn't mean anything. I don't wanna be hurt, and part of me isn't. He needs to find out who he is, and I'm willing to let him. If who I am and who he is aren't meant to be together for any longer than 24 hours (heh) then we won't be. As long as he's happy. And I got what I wanted for 3 days. So, all in all, it ain't a bad thing. Except I feel like a whore.
He told me I was beautiful...

..R.O.T.T.E.N. and so beautiful

*sigh* I feel so stupid, all of a sudden. But, I guess that's what shit like this will do to a girl. Or so it would seem, right? I got what I wanted. So, no bitching from me. Heh. Wish it worked that way. But, now I'm home. Unfortunately. And I'm going back to school on the 6th. Shitty. I'm all ready to go back and start the whole mess all over again... without Jenni this time. Without any friends now. 

Well, I'm gonna get going....


Posted at 09:09 pm by numb
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Sunday, October 26, 2003
everything came clean now everythings brown

game last nite went really well for game. in character, i get to live a lot of the girls out of character dreams, and be it IC or OOC, I'm not enjoying it. However, my character is enjoying all the special attention from Terry. My niece was here yesterday, and my brother got out of prison. Oh yay. And my mom started treating him like a war hero instead of a person who just got out of prison.. and belittling me completely. He gets his GED.. and wooo congratulations.. i am still in highschool and I have a b-average.. and oh well.. thats expected of me. fuckin aye. I'm never good enough and no matter what he does... it's good. I hate it. I hate him. Him, my niece, and Tina (My niece's mom) are comin over today too and I rightly don't wanna see them. I'm having a mental breakdown right now.. and one of my friends is with his girlfriend who he cant stand to be away from for 30 minutes at the most if he can do anything about it, and my other 2 best friends are out with a bunch of their friends eating. The rest of them don't even need to deal with my drama. That's not fair to them. My mom's being a bitch and won't let me go anywhere for some bullshit reason. Oh, and for some icing, my grandpa just had another heart attack and he's thinking he's gonna die. So if he goes, the only grandparents I have are the ones on my father's side, or, as I prefer to say, the one's I disowned. So my only family would be my mom and her siblings and my grandma's siblings... and yah know, I don't get along with a goddamned one of them. Not one. So.. let me loose my family. I don't care. Of course I do or I wouldn't be so upset about it. Oh well.. I guess I better get going...


Forlorn, Despised, I am
the Cinnamon Spider

Posted at 03:19 pm by numb
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Monday, October 13, 2003
would you love me any less if i hurt you anymore

ok, so the party went A LOT better than planned. Jason had to leave early... but thats b/c his wife is a bitch. Me and Dan ended up on the floor making out and talking, all at different intervals.. for about 4 hours. So.. yeah. He told me stuff.. and he wasnt drunk.. so I believed it at the time. But, now, I'm not so sure. I got back from the Festival of the Fae today and I spent Thursday nite talking to him, and we kissed... but... as soon as Mandy showed up.. it kinda went downhill from there. He like.. ignored me. And I found out today it was because he doesnt like being harassed by Mandy for it. Needless to say I'm hating Mandy for that. I'm seriously hating her for this. She can have any guy she wants, and she has to pick the one I like.. and the one who likes me back... and belittle him for merely talking to me.  so now he won't talk to me and im sure he hates me.. and i didnt do anything wrong but like him. i wanna cry. i want my critter...

its almost like losing myself

Posted at 10:33 pm by numb
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Friday, October 03, 2003
the district sleeps alone tonite

im at B's right now... JR is asleep on the floor, Jenni, Kelly, and Levi are downstairs and B is off elsewhere with his daughter, making her some popcorn so she'll watch a movie and perhaps go to sleep? Who knows. I'm trying to talk Cory into coming.. but I dunno how he'd feel about Bridgett drinking and smoking.. so thats kind of a negative. Oh well. Dan's gonna be here later, and so is Jason. And I'm in my goddamned pajamas... Critter's rubber duckie boxers. Lol. I feel so stupid. But I havent changed into my PJ shirt yet, which is Tom's caffeine shirt. Tom was supposed to call me today, but I guess he forgot.. he was prolly spending time with Joe.. which is fine with me. I was crying a lot though today. IT's kind of a disclosed reason.. too much mess I guess. but its not over Liz, so we can all be thankful for that. I'm seriously done crying over her.. Oh well... Well I better get going..


Posted at 10:22 pm by numb
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Friday, September 19, 2003
somethings you lose and somethings you just give away

i didnt think i would get this depressed over losing him after only 4 simple months. but i felt so close to him like there was a bond... one that i thought would be there for closer to a year. maybe it's just like me and chris' fights... how we'd just have them.. he'd call names and id cry and cut and then a few weeks later... we'd be hugging and laughing again. or maybe not? maybe this was it... i dont know. my whole aspect on life has changed in these 4 months and now i see all of my faults and im even more self-conscious than i was in the beginning... im more afraid of absolutely everything and i feel like everyone is against me... even my own best friends... which is sad.. b/c i trust them more than anything. new lesson to learn from this, dont trust people until you've known them to not be deceitful. learn from how they treat other people.. and they're friends... that is something i have to keep my eyes open. observe people better before even trusting them with your middle name. i just want to cry. but im empty. ive cried too much and its back to the start.. of numb.

Posted at 09:52 pm by numb
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Wednesday, September 17, 2003
slit our wrists

i havent updated any of my online diaries lately. i didnt plan on updating this one. but i thought what the fuck... it cant hurt anymore than it already does, right? well.. yes it very well could. damnit, i shouldnt have said that. i talked to jason today, which was ok, i guess. didnt really talk about anything i wanted to. i guess it feels funni telling him my problems. ive been kinda hoping dan would get online/call and i could talk to him. that would definitely make me feel tons better. i really wish i could see dan right now. i dunno. im stupid. he'll prolly end up doing me like everyone else has. damn that sounds really whiny. ive been breaking down a lot lately. usually at home alone or right before bed or in the shower.. i tend to not let people know.. but today i was talking to my mom on her phone asking her when she was gonna be home and she accused me of wanting to leave and i just started bawling and it got even worse. so bridgett and her mom are on their way right now to come get me. i really hope i can live with them. it would be a lot of work.. but i think i can do it. i need to. its not just a want anymore. i have to do this for my sanity. well i guess i better get going...
they -s-l-i-t- our wrists
and send us to heaven
the first flower after the flood


Posted at 07:32 pm by numb
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Monday, September 08, 2003
the chain broke away

i had a lot of fun yesterday hanging out with jason.. having real benji time. let me tell you... that was so good for me.  me and Jason hung out from 5 until like.. 9.. then we went to Jenni's and Jr came over and we all went to the elementary school from like.. 12 until 3.. then we came home and hung out at my house for a while and then around 3:30 or so Jason decided he better get home.. he didnt want his wife freaking out or anything. heh. it was an awesome day for me tho. i got into my first silly string fight..  and Jason had Dairy Queen for the first time in 3 years.. as he puts it. I doubt its been that long, but oh well. We did a lot of talking.. he proved he wasnt shallow... which was really sweezy and all that great stuff... but after going and spending time with someone else..

i think the chain b r o k e away
and i felt it the day that i had my own time
i took advantage of myself and felt fine

now that thats out of the way.. heh. sunday i went to the wishing star meeting and Dan was there... and that made me happy.. we talked for a little bit. Then the meeting finally started around 8... and it was nifty... then JR, Levi, Dan, Jenni, Bridgett and I all went to perkins but didnt stay long enough to get our drinks. doesnt help that me, bridgett, jenni, and jr were stoned and bridgett is a fucki paranoid stoner from hell. so.. we left and went back to carolyn's.. got her calmed down and then JR took all of us home.. and I didnt get home until like.. 11:30.. and now im doing some cleaning that I should have been doing this weekend. I'm cleaning up my mess.. incase my mom comes home early tomorrow.. making sure no illegal stuff or stuff that can get me in trouble with her/the cops is put away very well.. hehe.. well i guess i better get going...


Posted at 01:06 am by numb
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Saturday, September 06, 2003
swallow your pride

i was always pretty sure than in our society.. we had a freedom to speak whatever we wanted... yes, people can be mad about what you have to say.. but they cant tell u to shut the hell up.. b/c you have that right. i dunno.. that was kind of just off the top of my head. today should prove to be very interesting..  i dunno why tho. JR is coming over at midnite... to see mademoiselle flower... so that should be great happi fun. but... today im just... im spending the day on me. every day of my life i feel like im living part of 'buried myself alive' (by the used)... and... i dunno.. today is the day that i will take advantage of myself and feel fine. oh well. i better get going.. cleaning

Posted at 02:20 pm by numb
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Friday, September 05, 2003
bleeding on your shirt

*sigh* my mom is gone for the weekend.. until monday.. and im sitting here... enjoying part of my freedom... talking to dan.. heh.. and watching practical magic. today was a good day up until chris decided to prove to me our friendship falling apart is a lot of his fault... not mine. altho im sure i have some to do with it... oh well. i guess i cant let it get me down too much. im waiting online to talk to jason.. i hope he decides to get back on the computer. oh well.. im running a scene with dan right now so its pretty swanky. im so bored out of my mind.. and i still need to take a shower...

Posted at 12:28 am by numb
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my philosophy of life is that i can die at any moment...

the tragedy is that i dont


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